Freaking Out and Not Sure Why- OK,I Know Why (I Lied) – Siem Reap, Cambodia
So, I start attacking the kids, being super rude, changing my sleeping habits, eating weird… all unexplained phenomenon, because surely nothing, nothing, nothing is going on. It’s not like we are about to shake up everything, everything, EVERYTHING all over again! And so, I’ve graciously collected for you all those Facebook updates where I (how do I say this kindly to myself) FREAK OUT like a mad woman.
And I’m ok with my freaking out, that’s just a part of me, a part that is no doubt, becoming more gentle and less dramatic over time, but still is me, and part of my learning journey. As my dear friend Melanie commented in Facebook, “Gabi, you are totally mental…. I think I’ll show this to my husband so he’ll see how straight I am.”
Glad I could help.
So, mood swings, erratic behavior, all the characteristic symptoms some other MA in Psychology would have a ball dancing, hugging, and making out with the pages of the DSMIV that reveal exactly which type of schizophrenia I have. Good luck with that. Enjoy my little hysteria party (that I seem to have every time we decide to shake up my little world again, and move to the next unknown.)
Before The Shit Hit The Fan- Oct 30
THE MEANING OF MY DAYS IN A NUTSHELL 🙂
crazy how life works around here. spent the last three days basically strumming on the guitar. made up three songs (lyrics and all)! omg, how much fun! will put on youtube super soon. not cuz i think they are particularly mind-blowing or anything but because i am just so happy to find yet another way to creatively express myself, and if i don’t record the
m super soon- i’ll forget.and that, that, that, is HUGE for me! another amazing perk of these inching-on two years on the road: time to just be, be unproductive, be musical, read more than i have in the last five years combined, write for the joy of writing, not worry anymore cuz i’ve been revealed THE BIG SECRET. ready? here it is: everything is going to be ok, it always was, and will be, i just had to stop worrying, being scared, and just let life take me to what motivates me and makes me joyful… the rest just follows.
thoughts? your big secrets? lay em at me!
From Buddhism Beams, on Facebook…. so inspirational.
To Do List Too Huge- Nov 4
one of those stressful too many things to do moments. people melting left and right, i a- strum a new song on the guitar b- eat an entire watermelon c- both. i chose c.
ok, so when the shit hits the fan, i still go for the chocolate. but if someone didn’t buy it, i swear i’d chew my fingernails instead. oh well, realllllllllllllllllllllllllly
“I Need To Meditate NOW! ” & Scarlett O’Hara-Nov 5
omg too much stuff to do on the official ‘to do’ list and nothing from it getting done. leaving here in four day (or so we plan) and are busy doing tons of great stuff: my muslim father’s surprise visit (I know, i’m jewish- a long and lovely story to come), precious ceremony blessing the Garden Village’s newest building (aka- Kobi House), kids’ school (we so should drop studies the days before a major move), buying 100 little gifts to send to israel (taking hours in the local markets and i abhor shopping), and me having an emotional break down from re-contact with an old, buried-below-the-surface soul-ache that I just can’t handle being in contact with yet. “Tomorrow, tomorrow. I’ll think about it tomorrow!”Right? Scarlett and I have great dealing skills, and she didn’t take all the spirituality studies I have, and lookie, I’m so close to where she was, and I didn’t even lose my slaves and my land, just a huge chunk of my heart.So, solution:
-play guitar all day, working on my newest song number four!-yelled at kids for no apparent reason.-took tons of really happy pictures.-mid-day, i announce, “I need to meditate NOW!” and just plopped down to it.-all day, hold onto to kobi like a lost puppy, and as i wolf down those chocolate balls and a shake and anything i can find, he looks at me lovingly and says, “i bet you that one won’t help you feel any better either!”i love this man, who by the way, as i write, is reading aloud to three kids cuddled with him in bed, Holes, by Louis Sachar. i do love this guy.(this is such a blog post… copy, paste) 🙂 good night. going to listen to kobi read about Stanley stealing the car, and will be sure to fully ignore the ‘to do’ list to my left. screw it. it gets done or not. anicca. either way life is wonderful…..good night. as kobi said to me today, in my can-i-cry-on-your-shoulder-ses
sion number 5, “may you have a life of many worries gabi. if these are your greatest troubles, you’ve got a great life,” hugged, and laughed.
Just Walk Away From The Screen- Nov 6
two days of shotty internet, one computer’s overheated just now, the other just gave me that blue your-computer-is-on-the-verge-
of-dying-for-the-fifth-time screens. a hint, no matter how subtle, that maybe, just maybe i should put my hands in the air and JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN.what would i do instead: meditate, play guitar, take a walk, b-line for the bakery booth that sells my chocolate
/fudge/brownie balls, go look for kobi who is STILL shopping in the old market for his dear old family and folks back home. what a dear.hmmm… so many choices. i know, i’ll get this one thing i must do online done (five minutes) and then walk around, see if i find kobi (who i miss already), and if i don’t find him, go buy me some chocolate. a deal. later on…. meditate and guitar.And I get a bit of work done….
Moody, Depressed, Lost and Weak- Nov 8
really stuck crappy, stuck crappy day. no, not really, lots of great stuff too.. but zero tolerance for crying, complaining, whining, fighting which have all risen exponentially in response to my being totally off.
let’s see, all six things that make me most balanced and happy i have not done for the last five days.
1- meditate (sos sort, not the disciplined happy kind)
2- eat mostly raw (50 billion fucking to-die-for chocolate balls + too much to go into detail about. )3- exercise (ha! let’s just skip that)4- early to bed, early to rise (my ass!! hanging out at nights with two amazing israeli backpackers who we LOVE and adore and a lovely new german girl whose the cutest little thing, too much laughing, joints, guitar playing, and very little sleep)5- stress-free, do only what i love (screw that, soul-ache i talked of a few days ago– it’s so time to move on from that, sooo much to do before we leave here, errands and stuff not in the line of reading, writing, song-writing, guitar-strumming, enjoying doing studies with the kids, and loving time with them)
6- drink tons of water (have had today for example maybe three cups)so, when gabi does not meditate, eat well, exercise, sleep in an organized manner, and live within her passions (stressed out), and not water herself for days at a time THE SHIT HITS THE FAN, she gets moody, depressed, lost, and weak.MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: Go hang out again and have the time of your life again tonight. that is ok, but the rest of them, CHOOSE GABI. choose to create misery or wisdom.
i pick to do what i have slowly trained my body, mind, and soul to thrive off of. i choose to stick to why just today two backpackers were sitting there on that bench and discussing that they thought i was late twenties, maybe thirty. that i like.
so, i choose wisdom. we’re outta here in three days, and i will choose to live in grace and joy again, like i’ve learned how to. oh, and i still have that amazing kobi guy around. that helps. and three such cool kids. off to laugh and smoke and play…. and be happy for what is, and that, that, that, that, that is precious.
Grasping Sanity Again- Nov 9
such a good good goood goooooooo day! meditated, ate all raw food, exercised, tons of fun with friends, kids had a blast playing with cambodian kids on the soccer field, long lunch and talk with kobi, tons of sorting through papers (photograph and throw out the nicest little pics that kids have drawn, notes, love letters, ahhhh), packed up tons, still giving away a lot.in brief: amazing day! i love what happens when you decide to decide and you do! yeehaw! countdown- t minus 2 days
The Last Dust Particles of Facing It- Nov 11
saw this last night, as i crawled into bed, after, again, having to face the sides of me what don’t want to grow up, develop, be free yet, not yet. this was such a gift melanie. thank you, with all my hear, for thinking of me.