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Posted on Jun 5, 2012

Tasting Fears and Doubts

Leaving my home was heart-breaking, scary, and ironic. We’re about to go live a dream we have saving for for almost five years; and rather than be excited about it, I’m freaking out. This entry is a collection of journal entries from April, May, and March of 2011, those last months before departure. It covers a dash of my fears, a teaspoon of my uncertainty, and a pound of confusion.


Hot Water

 

I love, love, love hot showers. They relax me. It’s therapuedic for my soul. I get under the hot water and stress melts away, my soul slowly unwinds. I can think clearly under hot water. It helps me stay grounded and connected to who I am.

Some of the countries we are going to go to don’t have hot water. I’ve been there, done that fifteen years ago when Kobi and I back packed through Central America. I screamed then, but I could handle it. Now, I have the stretch marks of three children to say otherwise. Now, I don’t want to scream when I get into the shower. I don’t. I don’t.

I’m taking my hot shower when Dahnya walks into the bathroom and sits on the toilet seat to chat. I share with her that in some of the places we’ll be going there will be no hot water. She sits there silently, muling this over in her sharp mind.

“That’s ok, mom. We don’t have to shower that much.”
“Shit” I mutter to myself.
She leaves the bathroom, but sticks her head through the door a minute later .
She asks, “Mom, they don’t have hot water in the winter too?”

“Double shit!”

Tasting Insanity

 

To be a homeless, nomadic, friendless, nameless stranger in strange lands, 24 hours a day in the loving grip of my husband and children. AHHHH!!!

Of course, insanity is part of what created the crazy idea in the first place. Insanity is what drove us to save like crazy for this adventure. Insanity has its esteemed and dignified place in the equation of things. For the record: I think only slightly insane people leave everything they know and go skipping around the world with their kids.

I CAN’T WAIT!!!

The Brink of Uncertainty

So, I stand here with one foot still in the life that I know and love. I look forward. Behind me is all I’ve known and built for the past 7 years; before me is all I don’t know yet. I catch my internal conflict touching the surface: Why leave all that you love for uncertainty? How could you leave the ideal life that you’ve built?

I recognize this knot in my stomach. I’ve known it before. Before we came to Israel in 2004, life was perfect. Kobi and I both had thriving careers in jobs we were passionate about; our kids were in the JCC and loved it; we had our weekly Sunday gang who filled our lives with laughter and a deep sense of belonging; we were surrounded by family and friends. And then, I said it too: Why leave? Why enter uncertainty when I know and I love what I have now? Why leave this ideal life?

When I came to Israel, I went from Executive Director surrounded by friends to illiterate, friendless housewife. Today, I look at my life in Israel in retrospect and I COULD NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS HAVE IMAGINED THE WHOLENESS AND FULFILLMENT I HAVE IN MY LIFE TODAY.

And so it will be again.

I take a deep breath and jump into uncertainty. With my soon-to-be nomadic family at my side. May the wind and our spirits take us to fascinating corners of the world. May we meet and help beautiful unknown faces become new-found friends. May God keep us safe. I trust He/She will guide me through uncertainty.

As I stand at the brink of uncertainty, I do know for certain that I am about to find out what a nomadic family life is all about..

Naked But Free

Driving home last night from a parenting group I realized it. I’m scared of losing my identity.

I define myself based on my job, my home, the community I live in, the school my kids attend, what I do all day. I am a family therapist;  a parenting expert; I treat people dealing with trauma and pain and help them breathe again. I live in this house which I love. It is my kitchen counter, my backyard, my living room, my bed. my kids go to a school which I helped establish with a group of visionary parents. I identify myself with the gorgeous nature and slow-paced life of the Upper Galilee Valley in Northern Israel.

Leaving means I can’t hold onto those things anymore. When I leave my home with a backpack and three kids, I am a person without a title, a home, a community. Of course, I carry all of that with me wherever I go.

Yes, but no. Leaving  rips me of my clothing, but it also frees me to just be whatever I will be. I am just Gabi; just a person; just a soul; just me.

So, it scares me that I won’t have my routine that keeps me safe and tells me everyday why I got up in the morning. Sunday- radio show, married couple in therapy, Chispin English-speakers parenting group. Monday- internet marketing course, business status meeting, writing, Kfar Hanasi parenting group. Tuesday and on and one.

Soon, I’ll get up in the morning and do whatever I’ll do when I get up. I’ll be a person. Naked but free to recreate herself, discover herself, discover her family, face all of the issues without being able to escape to the next thing ‘to do’.

Here we go…. nomadic family life draws threateningly near.

Ever had a dream that made your heart pound so hard you could not longer hear yourself think? Ever wished to God you could make that one dream come true, and as it slowly morphed from dream to reality, you FREAKED OUT? Ever wished you never wished for what you wished for?

Tell me where you are in your journey! Tell me, share with me, argue with me, throw something at me. I want to know and you can connect, and we’ll cry and grow and laugh together at Facebook, these posts right to your inbox, Youtube, and Twitter. WE’re waiting….

Comments

comments

8 Comments

  1. Hiy Gabi

    Enjoyed this blog. I don’t actually know where I am in my journey because I think I have kinda stopped lol My last child is about to leave home, so from having 5 children, they have slowly left. I do now, however, have a new job title as I am a grandmother (Grandma) to two wee boys.
    I do not think I have ever had the guts or foresight to want to up and leave everything to experience whatever life chose to throw at me that day.I guess I have always been the “follow rules” type person which makes me slightly un-adventurous – but still full of fun 🙂
    I look round my house and see the huge amount of clutter – and see that so many things are of no use, or importance, really!! I think what you have done is very brave, but also very challenging. I find camping in a tent, with a gas stove, and cold water to wash with is challenging enough for me. If my health was better then I would be working and able to save, so would probably travel more. Sadly that does not look like happening – so will live vicariously through your blogs 🙂
    Love Wendy xox

    • god i love you. so much. i have goosebumps. you have lived a grand adventure dear wendy, and continue to do so through your never-ending love and commitment to so many in this lovely world. and those two adorable edible wee little grandsons have earned a grandmother full of talent, wisdom, compassion, and fun. mika still remembers you, you can be sure of that. (as can the rest of us in the clan). you and your health are part of your learning journey right now, and you are doing it with great grace. i love you. following the rules has made a ton of sense for you in your life, and did (and will) in different times in my life too. clutter- god, i hate clutter. i had it back home and i still manage to get it on the road. everyone has their learning journey. ours may be letting go of physical remnants we cling to.

      • I am only now finding your replies – thankyou dear Gabi!! If my destiny in life is to be a launch pad for my children, and a source of fun and wisdom for my grandbabies then I am happy xx

  2. Ohhh Gabi,
    I like the way you express your feeling , your fears, isn’t that wounderfull to be able to say/write it and then be able to deal with it?
    Hot water, in one of our 10 days camping in south west WA we stayed in an amazing camp sites (allmost free, $7 a night) but we had no shower for 5 nights in a row and no tap water at all for 2 nights, well we wash ourself in the river or in the sea but it was too much for me to be without normal shower. We were suppuse to stay for another night, my boys had no problem with that but I can’t stand it anymore, after a discussion they decided that if mum need her shower we will pack everything and go back home the same evening ((Do u think that I’m spoiled???). We saw other campers with portable showers (using there cars somehow to warm the water), so I guess there is solution for everything, just need to be prepared.
    Love reading you
    Keep safe
    Sefi

    • Ohhh Sefi. You are not spoiled. you are adorable. just adorable. we just found a great place to stay here in siem reap, cambodia for $85 a month (a MONTH!) but only a fan (and it’s hot!) and we need to pump water from a well. i thought it was awesome, amazing, could not be coooler, and kobi almost killed me. so, we’re not staying there. you are not spoiled, you just know your limits and what you want and need to be comfortable in your surroundings. the fact that you can respect those limits and (even cooler) that your adorable family can appreciate and value you enough to say ‘let’s go mum does not want to be here’ is amazing. we actually have hot water where we are now, but only use the cold…. crazy how we can change, hu? i love it that you are reading and writing to me. i will always, always, always write back to you. kisses, gabi

  3. I loved reading that Gabi! So much feelings and emotions going on that I completely empathise with.

    • hey kirsty! oh dear, been traveling so much, i missed you comment (and another one). i’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. thanks. beginnings are usually tough. figuring out who we are, what we are, and how we fit into the new painting we’ve created for ourselves. scary- very. liberating- totally. when do you leave?

  4. Hot showers…. ah, yes, I’m not looking forward to leaving those behind. :>

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