After the Accident- When Mom Feels Guilty for Not Keeping Her Baby Safe
Letting it sink in, and avoiding it at the same time. I feel like crying, like beating myself up for not keeping my baby girl safe. I did this to her- sort of thing keeps rising up and choking me. She’s fine, thank God; but my poor judgement put her in harm’s way. So, here we’re sitting in the restaurant, laughing about it (cuz who really wants to take life that seriously?) and trying to see that all’s well, we’re safe, learned some good lessons and now, we’re ready to move on (but slowly).
You can watch the movie minutes after Kobi and my 20 best Cambodian friends scraped me off the road or, better yet, read the blog entry sharing all the details of before and after the accident.
Isn’t that what we all want? To keep our kids safe?
Isn’t that what would end every war and military conflict in the world? If the people and the governments of the world just made decisions based on what would keep their children safe?
That’s what I want: to keep my children safe. And here, I can’t quite talk yet cuz I recognize that coming up are things that are not going to help us right now. Why did she shift her weight so much from side to side? If she didn’t maybe I would have focused more. And her to me- why didn’t my mom keep me safe? I trusted my mom and she didn’t look left, right, left, right, left…. she just breezed into danger, with me hanging onto her.
So, after this video, we talked, a lot. All of us. I cried and shared how I felt so bad. Kobi hugged me, a lot. I hugged Solai, a lot, a lot. And then, we laughed, a bit more.
Spent the last three days with nausea, aching muscles and joints, and an ass on fire. Spent the last three days, watching my bruises and confusion (and my guilt) subside, slowly. Spent the last three days forgiving myself for being who I am, even in my stupidest moments. Spent the last three days, really grateful for the angels that kept us safe when the motorcycle hit us. Will likely spend the rest of my life learning more about what life on the road has taught me. I can accept that.
You know this is the time and place to leave your comments. You know that this is where you say, “Gabi, I know how you feel. I’ve also made poor judgements, but we’re all learning” or “You stupid bitch. Stop daydreaming when you’ve got a precious child to keep safe! ”
Come one, bring it on. I want to hear it, and I can handle it- your love and your criticism.