Discovering What My Soul Cannot Yet Contain
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
About two years before we left, I found a blog entry in which a world traveler said she always wondered what it would be like to live in this African village, in this Latin American jungle, or in this Asian desert.
And so, she would go there, and live there; and then she knew, until the train whistle blew on its way to the next location, and she’d wonder what would it be like to live there. That blog really stayed with me, and has been an inspiration for me as we have traveled.
What would it be like to live on a ranch in La Lucha de la Tigre, Costa Rica? And have Sonia and Jose Ramon as neighbors? Now, I know. And what it would it be like to teach a remarkable Expat community in Boquete, Panama my Clean Your Soul classes? And do live off of house-sitting in Alta Boquete, Panama? Now, I know. And what would it be to live in an indigenous village with no phone, computer, internet, tv, tourist, or anything to do all day? And just me, people I dearly love, and the river’s cold cleansing magic day after day? Now, I know.
But, the complicated part of this is that as I leave each of these amazing realities that I fit into so snugly, I also leave a part of my soul there. For, like in the movie John Carter (which we saw yesterday and was amazing! Go see it!), I can see myself living a fully actualized life in so many parallel worlds. Maybe that’s why people have affairs, mid-life crises, and try to commit suicide cuz something gnaws in them that they can’t shut up; something that says, there are other ways to live, and maybe you’re stuck in the wrong reality.
And I can see myself in so many different realities and I somehow don’t know what to do with the overstimulation to my imagination. I can see myself a citizen/neighbor/friend of so many of the beautiful people and places we left our footprints in; I can see myself madly in love/actualized/joyfully growing in realities that have nothing to do with my Kobi and my children; I can see myself alive, fully alive in realities that totally disown everything I’ve ever known about myself. And part of being ‘naked and free’, and part of ‘discovering myself’ has been being exposed to options/ways of life/parallel worlds that I could be so very happy in.
And so, this paradise too had to inevitably end. And it did, but it was a painful death for me. I’ve always been an overly emotional person, and the feelings/experiences/peace/aliveness/nothingness/growth/closeness/bonding/voidness of it was sooo new, so simultaneously exhilarating and calming at the same time; that leaving it was tough. And, now, slowly, I’m learning how to take that bittersweet bubble and put it in its proper place. And with ‘nature’s hardest hue to hold’, I’ve discovered something huge in my soul.
And so, dear friends, I sing to you ‘my river song’ and share with you ‘my river’ even though it’s waters have long, long washed away my soul cleansing/mediating/singing /getting lost it is coldness. I consider my river, my Chayayaku River, holy, and personally, so very private and precious. I bow to her, and wipe a tear that energetically still falls in her lap to be washed away, gently in her grace.
I am fully grateful and honored to have had this relationship with her, and all that was a part of my time with her. I’d be equally honored to hear from you, where have you left parts of your soul? What parallel worlds can you see yourself in, and sometimes wonder if you were meant to flow in that reality, and not the one you are currently in? Have you had the honor or experiencing other worlds, and what did you do when you got confused, as to how to say goodbye to what was?