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Posted on Oct 20, 2011

How It Feels Not To Feel Guilty

How It Feels Not To Feel Guilty

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Last night officially ended the Jewish High Holy Days. It’s a string of four holidays strung over the period of a month. Besides the Holy of Days in which (if you’re a good Jew) you fast for your sins; the rest of the holidays are filled with celebrating, eating, reflecting, appreciation. All of that cleansing and  renewal is just behind us and besides the bananas browning and the
rains starting earlier in the day, nothing indicates to me the passage
of time, of a new year. It’s
September so my kids are ‘supposed’ to be starting another school year.
I’m ‘supposed’ to be entering my soul and reflecting on what I feel
guilty about, and I come out blank. My mind and soul are blank; I am
totally at rest; I don’t feel guilty about anything at all.


“Come on, Gabi. Think,” I say to myself “You’re not a saint and
traveling the world doesn’t mean you haven’t hurt anyone, you have nothing to repent for”. Well, there
was that time in Costa Rica that I broke into Sulema’s room to get a hot
shower. That was not so cool. And, I do wish I was better at keeping up with those I love back home. And, there’s my son’s new best friend Ever
in La Lucha de la Tigra. He was such a powerful and loving part of our
lives. He was with us every day, spent the night so many nights, he was a part of our family. Ever even used to walk around hugging me and saying
“Tsakli Ima” (mom look). I love that boy. I do. And just like the strong wind that brought us into his lives, the wind took us away. And one day, we were
gone. I feel bad about that.

Sleeping eight hours a night and waking up when my body (or the kids) tell me to ; having the time to watch the clouds changing form; reading, writing, doing what I most love, and
living out a dream has done blessed healing to my soul. Educating my
kids myself, sitting and talking with my kids about this and that and about
the deeper things I always wanted to pass on to them, and being calm
enough to just ‘be’ with them without having to rush off to the next
thing on my ‘to do’list has repaired limping family dynamics like I
never imagined possible. Exercising four times a week, changing the
place I live every two months, and seeing and tasting and hearing all
the beauty of the world around me has done some remarkable work to my
psyche.

I am calm. I am appreciative of the blessings in my life. I have
time to realize how lucky I am to be married to this man who dreams with me, to have these
three adorable children, to have just enough insanity to actually live a
nomadic lifestyle. This is great stuff. Great stuff.

This Hebrew year, I’ve gone over so many great things: the rise and
fall and rise of an online business, the loss and reclaiming on my
identity, and the loss and regaining of my health. So far on this trip
around the world, I’ve taught twice my “Clean Your Soul” class. Last
time it was in La Lucha de la Tigra, Costa Rica, in Spanish. Payment for the course was fruits and vegetables
off your farm land. I’m not sure they understood everything I was
trying to stay but they smiled a lot, and said things really excitingly
about how the material was changing their lives, so though I didn’t
understand half of it; I did my best to give them the gift of a clean
soul.

This time it’s in Boquete, Panama in English. Payment is based on donations and I’m
getting back from the group so much love and the joy of watching them
reach serious healing. This time I understand every word being spoken
and the level of intelligence and spiritual awareness is challenging me
in ways that are helping my soul grow. So many blessings.

What do I wish for this coming year? For us to keep traveling, just
like now, and for me to keep loving myself, just like now, for me to
keep exercising and focusing on my health, just like now, for me to keep
writing e-books and materials that inspire other families to dream too,
just like now; and for me to
stay quiet enough to keep marveling in the blessings of my life and my
family, just like now; and for me, to reclaim my voice, just like I’m about to. 

Oh, and that, I’ll call my mom and my friends, a bit more often. 

Here are some great videos I found from AISH.COM about the Jewish holidays. Short, sweet, well-made, powerful, and informative for anyone interested…. Oh, and this is one of my all-time favorite videos I refer all my Skype clients to when they feel a tad overwhelmed with life. (I refer myself to it as well).


May this New Year and all of your wanderings bring you closer to your own light. (Thanks for the line Cynthia!) And try tasting guilt-free for a while. It feels great!

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